Yesterday was a very stressful day. I was planning on taking the day off today to get my phone replaced (I’ve actually been really excited about it) and catch up a few tasks that involve phone calls. I am really bad about phone calls, and that should probably be its own post at some point, but for now I’ll just say that I literally needed to set aside a whole day to make two or three calls. Except now the list has grown to at least six or seven, and some of them are things I can’t really ‘script’ for in my head, and I’m not in agreement with my partner as to what I am calling and asking.

OK, usually when I am like this I can still write coherently but I can see I am not making as much sense with this as it makes in my head, so bear with me.

As I usually do when I am coming up on a vacation or day off, I scurried around trying to catch up as many things as I could before I left, and did it with a really bad headache. I was so glad to be going home, until I pulled up in my driveway to see that the enormous elderly maple tree in our back yard had apparently been struck by lightning and a huge branch – more than twenty inches diameter at the base1 – had come down across the entire width of the yard and into the shed, taking down the power lines with it.

So the rest of the evening was filled with dealing with the power company and the crane they brought to get everyone’s power back on (they had to cut it for the whole area) and our neighbor was being a dick about it. Also, since we couldn’t cook we ordered a pizza, forgetting we’d had the concrete repaired on the front steps so the pizza guy stepped in it (our fault not his) and my routine was thrown completely off and it was too hot to sleep and the puppy had to get up in the middle of the night to potty because his routine was off too and I know this is the worst run-on sentence ever and I don’t give a shit that it is, sorry.

Today I got up and it’s very clear that I am having one of what I would previously called ‘my weird spells’. I don’t know what to call it now. Extra autistic? I am having a hard time getting words out. It takes me extra time to respond to questions, and my voice is flat and everything that comes out sounds kind of like the way Henry Standing Bear from Longmire talks, kind of overly formal, no contractions, slow? I don’t know how to describe that. I know it sounds odd even as I hear myself talk, but I can’t seem to get words out any other way.

I put the coffee canister in the freezer and the dog food (it’s raw and should be refrigerated) in the cabinet with the mugs and I’m standing in front of the pantry with my fingers fluttering like insect antennae, as if I’m using them to look for whatever I wanted in there.  I have no clue why I opened it, and finally give up, only realizing as I walk away that it’s the baker’s cocoa powder and cayenne pepper I put in my coffee that I was after.

Peopling is going to be a challenge like this, especially by myself without my partner as a buffer and sometimes interpreter. I know that if I have time to just get away by myself and do something that calms me, like running or reading or working on blogs or painting, I’ll gradually snap out of it, but I don’t have that luxury today.

My partner asked me what was wrong before she left for work and I didn’t have words for it. I just kind of waved my arms around and then shrugged. Are there words that describe this scrambled state? Do other autistic people get like this? I sort of suspect this is an autistic thing and not just a ‘me’ thing, from what I’ve read, but I’m curious what others have to say about it.


  1. This post was briefly interrupted while I went out to measure the branch to make sure I was describing it accurately, then googled for the formula to convert circumference to radius because math class was decades ago and I sucked at it.

  2. I was also a bit frustrated because even though we’ve talked a lot about this, it’s still hard to make her understand what it’s like; it felt to me like she should have expected me to be a bit dysfunctional after what went on yesterday, and I shouldn’t have to explain. But I guess that’s me expecting her to know what I am thinking without my saying it. I didn’t realize I do that until I just typed this. Damn… I answered that question wrong on the aspie quiz.

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